What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 06:50
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He knew the spot.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Comes on , in middle age.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why is blood sugar ranging from 70-180 in a day and checked through a glucometer?
I was seconnd youngest,
I could never make a relationship work though!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Is it possible to permanently quit pornography?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He resisted the act ,that day.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I never cut or harmed myself..
All the time i was locked up.
She found it foreign!.
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
How do you view men and women who cheat?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I said to her
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
What do you wear when you are alone at home?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My life is so biszare .
But it wasn’t much.
Was there a British ‘genocide’ of Aboriginal Australians?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She married twice! .
This is soul school!.
One cannot live in the past .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But, we were locked up after school.
But ive been too sick for many years..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
It was going to be , some day.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Put me off passion for life!!
When she asked me how she looked .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
What did i know ?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I will be 64.
We all went to grammer schools
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I think the readers, may guess!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She loved him until the end.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My family never makes their pension either.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was 9 years of age.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Was to survive, this bastard.
Who then, do I blame.?
She wouldn,t have been !
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Ive learnt so much.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We were not on the streets..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So, i spoilt her more .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I have no regrets .
She was in good health!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So whats the point in blame.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And i lived it daily.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I don,t even have a pension.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I waited trembling.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was very sick at this time too.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Would this be the day?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I write beautiful poetry .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was scared of men, in general
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im still living with it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i do to all so called friends.?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!